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• Dreams 3 •


~10 october, 2002

this dream, which i had last night, requires a bit of background before anyone can make sense of it

The Background of Reality:

When i was 17 years old, i was emancipated from my family, and went to live with my boyfriend Lars, and his [dysfunctional] family, which is a story all in itself :)

Lars was very abusive, but since i was rather young, inexperienced, and had no where else to go, i somehow tolerated his abuse. He had an older brother named Deavon, who was beautiful, physically and otherwise. Deavon also happened to be an amazing painter, and, on the downside [and isn't there ALWAYS a downside with these guys?], a heroin addict.

On nights when Lars was out drinking [and most likely, cheating on me], i would opt instead to stay home and hang out with Deavon, watching him paint, and sometimes modeling for him. We had many discussions about how he didn't like the way that Lars treated me, and this eventually led to us confessing that our feelings for one another were a bit more than platonic, but, due to this odd living situation, we both realized that these feeling would have to go undeclared.

Nothing physical ever occurred between Deavon and i, although there were many emotional exchanges, and even several fights between Lars and Deavon, over how Lars was treating me.

A year or so later, Deavon died of a heroin overdose, and i was devastated. I felt that i had lost much more than just a good friend. Since i was then 18, and could technically support myself, i broke up with Lars, and moved out of their house, and it was one of the best decisions that i have ever made, because that family did nothing but drag me down for the most part.

The Dream:

I was living in the basement of a house, with Lars. Deavon and the rest of his family lived upstairs, and i spent the majority of the time trying to get upstairs, so that i could be with Deavon. But each time that i would attempt to go upstairs, something would happen, such as me falling through a hole in the floor, and finding myself in the basement again, or Lars holding me down and not letting me up the stairs, and as hard as i tried, i could not get to Deavon, and he could not get to me.

In the dream, the floors of the house were made of glass, so that we could always see one another, which only made the longing worse. The dream ended with Deavon laying on the floor above the basement, painting my portrait on the glass floor, and myself, standing on a chair, touching the glass, with the palm of my hand. As this happened, i heard Deavon tell me that "All things are measured in fractions, but they weigh more than we ever realize" It was quite a beautiful image, although simultaneously sad.



~30 July 2002

i was having a problem with my nose...... it felt very strange and loose inside, and i went to the doctor, and he said that the left nostril was completely dissolved due to prolonged exposure to dangerous rays from Playstation 2 Video games, and that i had to stop before i completely lost my nose

i think that i have been watching my roomie play those silly games for far too long

[note to self: need vacation now]


~15 May 2002

i was living with my grandmother, and aunt again, who, in real life are both dead. they had asked me to move out because i was not "living my life according to their liking"

i remember feeling very upset, especially when i found out that they were letting a cousin of mine move into my room.

i then went to live in another place, and one of the other tenants was Jeremy Sisto, and since i have always thought that he would be a cool person to know, i was happy to make his acquaintance.

we went out for the day, and ended up at a restaurant, where we drove the car right into. [this lends a whole new meaning to the phrase "drive thru"]. this restaurant had many rooms, and as we drove through one of them, i noticed that the place was being held up by some thieves, and i told Jeremy to drive faster, so that we could get out of there.

as we did, one of the criminals spotted us trying to get away, and he came behind us and shot Jeremy in the back, but he didn't seem to notice.

i was worried about him, and insisted that we stop the car, to check out his wound. after inspection, i realized that he was somehow fine, and then, suddenly, we were in this large building, with all glass windows, that looked like an airport.

i asked him when his birthday was, and he said "17 May", and i thought that was cool because my birthday is a few days after that.

then, he took out a telescope, and told me to keep my eyes fixed on the sky, but when i looked through it, there were black horizontal bars, that were blocking out some of my view.

i asked him what we were looking for, and he said "we are not looking for anything, and that is just when it will find us"



~ 5 May 2002

this is a variation on a recurring dream that i often have, and had again, the other night

i am coming home to my apartment, which is a combination of at least three houses that i have lived in before, and, for some reason or another, i am unable to get in the front door, so, i go around to the back. there is always some neighbor in the yard, whom i am trying to avoid, so i walk past, hoping that they don't see me. i get in the back door of the house, but i can never
seem to access my apartment this way. i have to walk up 4 flights of stairs, to the top floor, and then come down a flight, to get to my apartment.

this is fine with me, as i don't mind stair climbing, but, there are always two things in this dream that bother me:

1] the stairs are very cluttered, and it is hard to get by all this stuff

2] i must pass through the 4th floor, which is haunted

i can close my eyes right now, and still see this 4th floor. it is a large, warehouse type room, with antiques, which i normally love, but these creep me out. i walk through that room, and there is a long, dark hallway with a light on one end, and i must walk through this to get to the third floor. it always seems to take forever to walk down this hallway.

then, i hear an intense fluttering sound in my ears, and i hurry up and open the door, which is sometimes open, and sometimes locked, and then i walk out into a hallway that is so bright, that i cannot see a thing.

this is always where i wake up



~ 17 march 2002

i was house sitting for a Russian couple.... the house was very beautiful, and had artifacts from their homeland scattered about the place, and it reminded me of a museum.....

i was alone at this house, but my kitten Ouija was with me, as well as the couple's three other cats

it was early in the morning, and i was watching Ingmar Bergman's "The Seventh Seal".... i became aware of a disturbance in the house across the street, and peeked out of the blinds, to see what was going on

the people who lived in the house were trying to get out, and their young daughter was out on the lawn in a white, Victorian nightgown, and a man was pulling her back into the house

i ran out of the house, trying to help the girl, but i could not find her, and when i knocked on the door of the house, no one answered, and it seemed very calm

i went back to the house that i came from, and the man who was pulling the girl in the nightgown back into the house, was in the Russian's house now, and i yelled at him to leave

he ran up the stairs, and disappeared, and i could not find him, and when i returned downstairs, i saw that Ouija was laid out on the dining room table, on her back, with her four paws tied down to the table, and there was a miniature cat [just like Ouija], who was nailed to her genitals

what the fuck?????!!!!

i scare myself, sometimes


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