this dream, which i had last night, requires
a bit of background before anyone can make sense of it
The Background of Reality:
When i was 17 years old, i was emancipated
from my family, and went to live with my boyfriend Lars, and his
[dysfunctional] family, which is a story all in itself :)
Lars was very abusive, but since i was rather
young, inexperienced, and had no where else to go, i somehow tolerated
his abuse. He had an older brother named Deavon, who was beautiful,
physically and otherwise. Deavon also happened to be an amazing painter,
and, on the downside [and isn't there ALWAYS a downside with these
guys?], a heroin addict.
On nights when Lars was out drinking [and
most likely, cheating on me], i would opt instead to stay home and
hang out with Deavon, watching him paint, and sometimes modeling
for him. We had many discussions about how he didn't like the way
that Lars treated me, and this eventually led to us confessing that
our feelings for one another were a bit more than platonic, but,
due to this odd living situation, we both realized that these feeling
would have to go undeclared.
Nothing physical ever occurred between Deavon
and i, although there were many emotional exchanges, and even several
fights between Lars and Deavon, over how Lars was treating me.
A year or so later, Deavon died of a heroin
overdose, and i was devastated. I felt that i had lost much more
than just a good friend. Since i was then 18, and could technically
support myself, i broke up with Lars, and moved out of their house,
and it was one of the best decisions that i have ever made, because
that family did nothing but drag me down for the most part.
I was living in the basement of a house, with
Lars. Deavon and the rest of his family lived upstairs, and i spent
the majority of the time trying to get upstairs, so that i could
be with Deavon. But each time that i would attempt to go upstairs,
something would happen, such as me falling through a hole in the
floor, and finding myself in the basement again, or Lars holding
me down and not letting me up the stairs, and as hard as i tried,
i could not get to Deavon, and he could not get to me.
the dream, the floors of the house were made of glass, so that
we could always see one another, which only made the longing worse.
The dream ended with Deavon laying on the floor above the basement,
painting my portrait on the glass floor, and myself, standing on
a chair, touching the glass, with the palm of my hand. As this
happened, i heard Deavon tell me that "All
things are measured in fractions, but they weigh more than we ever
realize" It was quite a beautiful image, although simultaneously
~30 July 2002
i was having a problem with my nose......
it felt very strange and loose inside, and i went to the doctor,
and he said that the left nostril was completely dissolved due to
prolonged exposure to dangerous rays from Playstation 2 Video games,
and that i had to stop before i completely lost my nose
i think that i have been watching my roomie
play those silly games for far too long
[note to self: need vacation now]
~15 May 2002
was living with my grandmother, and aunt again, who, in real life
are both dead. they had asked me to move out because i was not "living
my life according to their liking"
i remember feeling very upset, especially
when i found out that they were letting a cousin of mine move into
i then went to live in another place, and
one of the other tenants was Jeremy Sisto, and since i have always
thought that he would be a cool person to know, i was happy to make
went out for the day, and ended up at a restaurant, where we drove
the car right into. [this lends a whole new meaning to the phrase "drive thru"].
this restaurant had many rooms, and as we drove through one of
them, i noticed that the place was being held up by some thieves,
and i told Jeremy to drive faster, so that we could get out of
as we did, one of the criminals spotted us
trying to get away, and he came behind us and shot Jeremy in the
back, but he didn't seem to notice.
i was worried about him, and insisted that
we stop the car, to check out his wound. after inspection, i realized
that he was somehow fine, and then, suddenly, we were in this large
building, with all glass windows, that looked like an airport.
asked him when his birthday was, and he said "17 May",
and i thought that was cool because my birthday is a few days after
then, he took out a telescope, and told me
to keep my eyes fixed on the sky, but when i looked through it, there
were black horizontal bars, that were blocking out some of my view.
asked him what we were looking for, and he said "we are not
looking for anything, and that is just when it will find us"
~ 5 May 2002
this is a variation on a recurring
dream that i often have, and had again, the other night
i am coming home to my apartment, which is
a combination of at least three houses that i have lived in before,
and, for some reason or another, i am unable to get in the front
door, so, i go around to the back. there is always some neighbor
in the yard, whom i am trying to avoid, so i walk past, hoping that
they don't see me. i get in the back door of the house, but i can
seem to access my apartment this way. i have to walk up 4 flights of stairs,
to the top floor, and then come down a flight, to get to my apartment.
this is fine with me, as i don't mind stair
climbing, but, there are always two things in this dream that bother
1] the stairs are very cluttered, and it is
hard to get by all this stuff
2] i must pass through the 4th floor, which
i can close my eyes right now, and still see
this 4th floor. it is a large, warehouse type room, with antiques,
which i normally love, but these creep me out. i walk through that
room, and there is a long, dark hallway with a light on one end,
and i must walk through this to get to the third floor. it always
seems to take forever to walk down this hallway.
then, i hear an intense fluttering sound in
my ears, and i hurry up and open the door, which is sometimes open,
and sometimes locked, and then i walk out into a hallway that is
so bright, that i cannot see a thing.
this is always where i wake up
~ 17 march 2002
i was house sitting for a Russian couple....
the house was very beautiful, and had artifacts from their homeland
scattered about the place, and it reminded me of a museum.....
i was alone at this house, but my kitten Ouija
was with me, as well as the couple's three other cats
was early in the morning, and i was watching Ingmar Bergman's "The Seventh Seal"....
i became aware of a disturbance in the house across the street,
and peeked out of the blinds, to see what was going on
the people who lived in the house were trying
to get out, and their young daughter was out on the lawn in a white,
Victorian nightgown, and a man was pulling her back into the house
i ran out of the house, trying to help the
girl, but i could not find her, and when i knocked on the door of
the house, no one answered, and it seemed very calm
i went back to the house that i came from,
and the man who was pulling the girl in the nightgown back into the
house, was in the Russian's house now, and i yelled at him to leave
he ran up the stairs, and disappeared, and
i could not find him, and when i returned downstairs, i saw that
Ouija was laid out on the dining room table, on her back, with her
four paws tied down to the table, and there was a miniature cat [just
like Ouija], who was nailed to her genitals
what the fuck?????!!!!
i scare myself, sometimes