~ 24 June 07
I find myself being held captive in a house with a strange family who has other "captives" living there as well. I just realize this, although it is apparent that i/we have been there for quite some time. The family makes us sleep on couches in the living room which have odd items underneath like knitting needles, old yarn that breaks when you touch it, and commercially packaged socks which are too short to be worn as real socks. I know this because i am attempting to make my escape and cannot find a pair of socks to fit me, and i am told by an old woman who is also a captive that it is "23 degrees" outside.
The family makes us all lay down on the couches and covers us with plastic and then blankets on top of the plastic. It is very confining and i feel a great deal of discomfort beneath the uncomfortably warm and sticky plastic. I peek out and see that two of the brothers have some acidic white powder that they plan to somehow use on us. I decide to lead a revolt and gather some of the other captives to make our escape. Why i have not tried to escape prior to this moment does not cross my mind.
In the midst of this, a little girl that i have not seen before comes into the room, singing a beautiful song. I am mesmerized by her song, but she tells me it is "not yet" for me. It is then that i realize her feet are hovering off the ground about 5 inches. She goes to the old woman who warned me about the temperature outside. She takes her hand and puts it over the woman's face and absorbs all the "light" from the old woman's body. This causes the woman to deflate like a balloon, and the little girl drops her to the ground like an old blanket.
I go to the bathroom, trying to fix myself up in order to make my escape. My hair looks like it has not been combed in months. I begin to put on a heavy, white powder foundation on my face, and apply makeup more carefully than i have ever done in real life. It is almost like i am going out on stage and everything has to be perfect. Why i am even concerned about this at this juncture does not cross my mind. I only know that there is someone waiting for me on the outside and i need to look a certain way so he will "recognize" me. Which makes no sense to me because it isn't how i normally look anyway.
As i stand in the bathroom, i again hear the sound of the little girl's voice. She is singing again and although she is far away from me in distance, each note of her voice reacts as though it is making its way from her mouth, directly to my ears. I can feel the notes enter my ears and follow the curve of my ear canal as they enter. As if the song is this time for me.
~ 29 March 07
I laid down earlier for a "short nap" and just now woke up. What woke me up was a strange dream.
I was laying in bed in the state where one is half awake and half in a dream. So you are aware of your dream, but you are also aware of the reality around you.
In the dream i was laying in bed dreaming. I became aware of a sound coming toward me which was like slippers scuffing across the floor when people are walking about.
In the distance of the dream i could hear a radio broadcast which focused on supernatural events. The speaker was saying that when you dream, the dead are jealous and come to watch you. Some of these spirits are evil and want to take you back with them to the land of the dead. When they come, they drag their feet because they are sad and weary of the state of death and absence of dreams. The speaker said that "you will know them by the sound of their soles".
The scuffing sound was what woke me up. And when i woke up, i knew that "And you will know them by the sound of their SOULS" will somehow hold great importance for me in the very near future.
I also knew it will be the title of the next piece i shall soon begin creating. I have no idea what the piece will look like, but now i have a title to build it around.
Or maybe it will be the title of the doll piece i am working on, but this too remains to be revealed.
~ 19 January 2007
I am cleaning up a huge mess of shipping boxes that have fallen all over my hallway. I hear voices on the other side of the entry door, and see three little boys staring in at me through the window. I hear one of them tell the others that i am naked. I am not naked, but for some reason they can see me as such.
They open the door and come in. They have knives and weapons and i run to the apartment on the first floor because a cop lives there and i hope he is home. He isn't home, but as i push on his door, it opens and i go in, searching for a gun he may have left behind so i can defend myself.
The boys come into the apartment and chase me. I run out the back door and outside the building to the basement apartment, hoping to find help there. I am able to get into that apartment as well, and although no one is home, i find a hypodermic needle and stab one of the boys with it.
I then run to a crowded shopping plaza, trying to find help. The boys are no longer chasing me, so i stop and try to call the police, but i am told that since these boys are from Canada [not sure how the dispatch knows this], there isn't much they can do to help me. As i leave the phone booth, i suddenly realize that i am in fact naked. I walk back to my house when i realize that i am also sweating profusely and cannot stop. I am covered in sweat which is dripping out of my hair and off my skin.
I get back to the house and go into my apartment and see that the boys have ransacked the place and smashed all my vintage dolls. They have also let my cats out of the house.
I wake up covered in sweat.
~ 26 March 06
I am back in my old home town, hanging out with my best friend from Junior High. In reality, my best friend and i had a falling out when she moved on to other things as people often do, and we never again were as close. Since then, i have always referred to her as my "best friend who died when i was 15".
In the dream, she again betrays me. I wander in a haze around the town, which is now unfamiliar to me. I am taken in by a woman and her family. The woman is perhaps in her 50's, but looks much older. Her husband looks exactly like Spalding Gray, although i am sure that he isn't supposed to actually be him. They also have a son who is about 14 years old.
The husband, son and myself are standing in front of the fridge, looking for orange juice, when the son discovers that it has been kept in the vegetable bin. He complains and begins to throw a tantrum, saying that we cannot drink it now because it has become "invalid".
As we are standing there, orange juice begins to pour on us from above. We look up to the ceiling and see that there is a large hole in the roof, and the juice is pouring in from it. I taste it and discover that it is not orange juice, or at least not any orange juice i have had before. My eyes begin to burn, and soon the father and son complain of the same discomfort. The mother then rushes in the room to tell us that the news has reported that the orange juice incident has also happened in a small village in South Africa, and has caused an outbreak of "famrina". I am confused because i do not know what this term means.
The father approaches me and says "I have been blind to everything most of my life, and now, i truly am blind to all". I look at him and realize that his eyes are glazed over and he can no longer see. I start to freak out, looking intently around myself, to be sure that my own vision is not failing. I run to the bathroom to look in the mirror, and slowly watch my vision fade away until i too can see no more.
~ 15 . March . 2006
I am in an old house with a long hallway. Hobbes and i are sleeping in a bed in a room on one end of the hallway, and my dead grandmother is asleep in a room on the opposite end. I wake up and find my way to the next room. My soul-mate is in this room, and we spend time laying on the bed and talking. I feel an overwhelming sense of contentment that i have finally found him.
I wake up again and try to turn on the lights, but none of them work. I realize that i was actually asleep in that room, instead of the room i thought i originated from. I am very frustrated and have a sense that i must make it all the way down the hallway awake and in one continuous movement, if i am to find out the meaning of this dream, and the dreams contained within. I am also struck with a sense that the hallway is haunted, and i must remain awake, and in the light if i am to survive.
I feel my way down the darkened hall, calling out the name of my grandmother, soul-mate and other people, as i pass. The entire first part of the dream is repeated again, but the conversation with my soul-mate is longer this time. I again wake up in the second room, and try to turn on lights that will not go on. A sense of urgency mounts as i become aware that i must stay awake longer, so that i can finish the conversation with my soul-mate and people who are in subsequent rooms, and continue on down the hall to the room of my grandmother.
I have a feeling of frustration, because i keep waking up in the room that i have made it to, and having to repeat my journey and conversations over and over again in the haunted darkness.
This occurs several times, when i realize that everyone in the rooms are dead, and i will never be able to finish my conversations with them. Just as i am trying to come to terms with that horrible feeling, i have another revelation that i am actually the one who is dead, and the hallway is somehow representative of my entire life, from the moment of my birth to the moment of my death.
~ 3 . March . 06
I am at a train track with Linda and Jim. We decide to jump a train headed to Boston, but i change my mind when i realize that the people in the cars are submerged under water. I try to warn Linda and Jim, but they have already jumped on board.
There is a cop who looks like Don Johnson, and he pulls Linda and Jim off the train before they can enter the water filled cars. The cop turns out to be cool and hangs out with us. He takes us to a derelict hotel which has hallways lined with hookers and crackheads. I am leery of this adventure, but we make it to the room and end up having the best time talking about music and old times.
We are all sitting on the bed when suddenly my cat Taz [who in reality, died in July] shows up. Jim picks him up and starts cuddling him, but i tell him not to do that because he is dead. Jim then freaks out, and goes home abruptly, leaving us behind.
~ 6 February 06
I am with Matt and Stephen, in the corridor of a hospital where doctors are performing experiments on people with behavioral problems. A nurse keeps following me and shouting "Wake up and go to room 325!"
Matt and Stephen make an escape through the window, and i watch the escape on the television in the hospital waiting room. Matt is killed by a guard, and i am terrified but unable to do anything to help him.
I then find myself on a golf course. There are kangaroos which are dressed up like camels. There is a girl who is dressed like a doll and her skin is made of a crystallized substance. She is wearing a blue dress which has the word "Casuistic" scrawled on the white bib of the dress.
I look at her face and realize she has no eyes, and this fascinates me. As i am staring into her empty sockets, she suddenly says "Someday, she will be raped and murdered like me". I am not sure who "she" is, and for some reason, i am afraid to ask.
• 19 January 2005 •
I am home alone on Christmas. At 10:00 pm, Michael D. leaves a voicemail
on my machine saying that he is busy with his family right now, but
has decided that it is time to finally meet me in person and spend
a few days with me, but that i have to let him know if this is ok
by Midnight, so that he can catch a flight out here. He goes on to
say that if i don't respond by midnight, he will know that i am not
interested in him, and accept that with much regret. The overall
feeling of the phone message, combined with my reaction to it, is
a great one, with much mutual emotion and caring shared between us.
I am excited at the
prospect of finally meeting him and getting to know this person,
[whom i have only known through e-mail and phone conversations]
better. I realize that he neglected to leave his phone number in
the message, and when i look at the Caller ID, it says "Unknown
I begin to search for
his number, and cannot find it, and this upsets me. I suddenly
remember that in my "other house" [which
does not exist in real life], i have a special Caller ID which records
the phone numbers of all incoming calls, even if they have this option
blocked on their own phone service. I set out to make my way to this
other house, in order that i may find his number, and return his
call by Midnight.
From the second that i leave the house, everything goes wrong, and
tries to stop me from getting to my destination. I have no car, and
i have to walk very far to get to the other house. Despite the fact
that it is Christmas, it is very warm like a summer night outside,
and i am extremely uncomfortable as i walk.
I see a phone booth, and attempt
to call my other voicemail in hopes of obtaining the number this
way, although i am skeptical whether this will work or not. I keep
putting change in the phone, but it keeps disappearing, and i am
upset and confused as to how this is happening.
I then become distracted by a little boy who is crying because some
bigger kids stole his bike. I attempt to assist him, when it becomes
apparent to me that this is all a setup, and that the little boy
is actually friends with the older boys, who have plotted to get
me to approach them so that they may attack me.
I am being chased by this group of boys, who throw darts into my
legs and make it very painful for me to run. I stumble down a street
and come upon a miniature house, which is about 10 feet high and
5 feet wide, with another smaller house directly behind it. I notice
that there are four names on the mailbox, and i marvel at the fact
that this many people can live in two small houses.
I run around to the smaller house in back, and the front door [which
is like the door of a garage] is open, and i see two small children
sleeping in one bed in the center of the tiny house. One of the children
sits up and starts crying for his mother, and i run to the front
house, and look in. I see nothing but an empty bed with no covers
or sheets, and i become aware somehow that the parents of these children
have just abandoned them. I feel bad for them and go back to help
them, but the group of boys is suddenly after me again, and i have
to run away and hide.
The whole while, i am aware of being very upset for myriad reasons...
that time is ticking away, and i might not get to call Michael back
by the deadline.. that i am being chased by this group of boys...
that it is hot outside and i am tired of running.. that two children
back in the small house need my help, and i am unable to assist them.
I then find myself in a more largely populated area with strip malls
and lots of people. The boys are nowhere in sight, and i feel relieved.
I reach a pay phone, and try to call the police about the abandoned
children, and call my voicemail, but my calls will not go through,
and there is a screeching sound in the receiver that hurts my ears.
An old man approaches me and tells me that my car is being towed
away from a parking lot down the street. Although i have no car that
i am aware of, i decide to check the situation out. On the way, i
run into Glenn, a friend of mine that i have not seen in a long time,
and i am happy to be reunited with him. He tells me that he has been
looking for me for years, because he has something that he wants
to tell me. I ask him to come along with me to the parking lot, and
we can discuss things on the way.
I am more than a bit
surprised when he holds my hand tightly and looks at me in the
way that people who love you deeply do. I have mixed feelings about
this because i am strongly aware that i am "supposed
to be" with Michael, and yet, this feeling with Glenn is so
powerful and comforting at the moment.
I find myself walking down the long and twisted corridors of a hospital,
with Glenn, but we keep getting separated, and i begin to get annoyed
because i know that all this time spent looking for him is cutting
into the time that i have to get Michael's number and call him back.
I am then walking alone on a road, trying to get to the parking
lot, where the car that i don't have, is about to be towed away.
I get to the lot and discover that the car is already gone, and i
am disappointed only because i am tired of walking, and was looking
forward to driving to my destination.
I am completely alone now, and there are no people or distractions
to keep me from my original mission. The weather has turned cold,
and it begins to snow, and i feel happy and peaceful and not so upset
about having to walk so far. I continue walking, enjoying the quietness
of the night, happy to be back on course.
The gang of boys who are after me suddenly appear again. I run down
the streets looking for help, but i find none. I lay down, naked
in the snow, crying hysterically because i am now sure that i will
never make it to my other house to retrieve Michael's number. A group
of people come by and are looking at me, but instead of helping me,
they begin to have sex with me, and i am so sad about the way things
have turned out, that i just give in to the molestation, and eventually
begin to enjoy it somewhat.
I wake up abruptly,
to the sound of myself moaning in sadness and pleasure.
My cats are scattering off the bed in all directions, frightened
because they are not sure why i suddenly started screaming out
like this. I am told by Tim, who could hear me from the other room,
that i freaked him out because, in addition to screaming so loudly
without warning, i sounded like "someone who was being
stabbed to death, while having the best orgasm of her life".
• 13 December 2004 •
I am hiding on the top floor of an old factory, with other strangers.
Apparently, we have witnessed a crime, and had to run from the
perpetrators of this crime. The room that i am hiding in has
sliding doors that are made from Rice Paper, on a wooden frame.
I hear the gang of kids who committed the crime coming down the
hallway of the floor that i am on, saying that they plan on burning
the witnesses out of the building. They start a fire at the far
end of the hallway, but no one tries to escape until they are
sure that the gang is gone.
The entire building is in flames as i walk down the long hallway,
open the door, turn to my left, and walk down the stairs. When
i am near the bottom of the stairs, a well dressed black man begins
to walk up the stairs, and as he passes me, he says something that
is unintelligible to me. I open the door and escape into the street,
but i suddenly find myself back upstairs, repeating the entire
segment of the dream that i have just experienced.
This time however, the scene is much more chaotic, with people
clamoring to get out of the building, and screaming for their lives,
and there is a general feeling of panic which surrounds me. I also
notice people that i had not noticed before... like Chrissy, and
another girl named Sylvia that i know. I take my time, gathering
all my belongings [which i did not have with me during the first
part of this dream]. I fill a bag with a toaster oven, lip gloss,
a dirty sponge, and some other odd items. I am feeling ill from
inhaling smoke. I walk down the hallway again, repeating my steps,
but this time, my cousin Dorothy is behind me, and i am struck
with a strong sense of Déjà Vu,
where i become aware that she does not make it out of the building
I come to the door at the end of the hallway and open it, turn
left and begin to descend the stairs again. When i am at the bottom
of the stairs, the same black man, who is now dressed like a 1970s
pimp, walks up the stairs, and calls me "Ya-maya" [or something
that sounds like this], and he says "There are seven secrets,
and you will survive". I walk out into the street, feeling
dizzy and weak, and a bright blue light shines in my face, and
then i wake up.
• 30 October 2004 •
I am living in my old, 3rd floor apartment on Angel Street. I am
on the front porch, pulling up onions which have somehow mysteriously
grown in place of the roses that I have planted. I then realize
that my friends Jay and April live on the second floor, and I am
happy to discover this.
I am approached by one of their female guests who is leaving,
and she asks me how i "got the job," and I am confused
by her question, and do not reply. She then says to be careful,
because she will "take it from me," and then, she leaves.
I went up to visit Jay and April, and when i enter their apartment,
Jay is sitting on the couch with an IV bag above him and a needle
in his arm. he looks to be very ill, and has lost much weight,
and i am concerned for him. His wife April is laying across his
lap, and looks equally ill, and she will not look at me. I sit
on an adjacent couch, feeling uncomfortable by her silence and
I then tell Jay that i have just discovered that in addition
to taking out books from the library, a patron can now take clothing
out on loan, and i tell him about the most beautiful vintage
coat that i found. it is made of soft, black velvet, and in the
back, from the waist down, it is cut out, and i assume that this
is a jacket to wear with a bustle skirt. the front has two long
trains that hang down on each side, and i am happy to have found
such a wonderful item.
Jay then mentions that he has checked out several library books
using my card, and that they are all long overdue. I am upset
with him for doing this. I ask to see the books, and he will
only show one of them to me, and the title of that book is "The Amnesia of
Neptune," and I find the title both strange and captivating.
Then, April leaves the room, and Jay immediately starts coming
on to me, and I am totally into it, but as soon as she comes
back, he tells her that I was the one that was hitting on him,
and that pisses me off and upsets me.
Suddenly, I am rollerblading on a rainy street, and Jay approaches
me and tells me that April has 'become suspicious of us.' Then,
she appears out of nowhere, and everything speeds up in fast
forward motion, and April is having conversations with several
people, and morphing into them, and back to herself, speaking
her words and theirs.